Napalm Records puts out so many records it is impossible to keep track of every one of them. The label hails from Austria and has been in business since 1992. Their roster is quite extensive and it features a colorful mix of artists ranging from black metal and death metal all the way to the shiniest, lightest most perfect folk melodic gothic metallers you can think of. If you like the latter, you might want to dig into their catalog. Just watch it if you are diabetic. Read on and spread the word!

Gothic metal sucks. No matter what you think, it sucks. No matter what you like, it sucks. And it sucks even more when it is sung by an operatic female vocalist. Especially, when it is sung by one that can really fucking sing. And even more especially when that vocalist can sing and is super hot. And what is it with gothic metal bands with hot female singers anyway? Do they all have to be hot to be able to sing. That seems to be the case in Europe, where every cheesy gothic metal band is led by a hot lady. Man, I ain't bothered by that. I am just bothered by the music. The hideous music; orchestrated, super eloquent, piano riddled, polished to the max and not with one ounce of guts and/or visceral power. Stream of Passion is a six piece from the Netherlands and The Flame Within is their second full-length. Did I mention that it sucks? Also, horrible album cover. It sucks.

Denmark’s Hatesphere seemed to be the media’s darlings for about five minutes a few years ago. Every one and their grandmothers seemed to love one of their past albums. I am just not sure which. I remember writing a review for 2007’s Serpent Smiles and Killer Eyes, submitting it to my editor (another zine, of course) and then getting it declined because it wasn’t positive enough. Something that surprises me is that vocalist Jacob Bredahl is gone and with him, also most of the charm. Bredahl is not only a renown producer but also served as spokeman to the band. Nowadays Jonathan Allbrechtsen fills his shoes and since I don’t feel the difference between one and the other my indifference remains. To the Nines is a capable album. Actually it is more than that. It is a strong record of fluent playing. It is what I would call melodic death metal, but is so melodic that it doesn’t really sound like death metal. It’s more like modern trash metal with a vocalist that can growl like a mean beast. Good, proper, strong, if only undistinctive.

Symphonic metal sucks. Especially when it comes from Switzerland. No matter what you think or like, symphonic metal sucks in Peru, Borneo, Laos and Switzerland. I believe there is something utterly vulgar about symphonic metal.  It’s ball-less. Music for eunuchs by eunuchs. That’s to say it lacks balls. It’s got no power. It’s like overblown pop music for Guidos, Lord of the Ring fans and meatheads. Some of the same principles of suckiness that apply to gothic metal apply to symphonic metal. Both sub genres have too much of a shine, they are too polished and orchestrated. And Lunatica’s fourth album New Shores is one caramel piano embellished turd of bland perfection. 

Instead of being labeled as a melodic symphonic metal, Germany’s Sons of Seasons are introduced as a 'dark' symphonic metal band. Apparently all that means is that their music is just a few grams heavier.  Certainly we can find the same pomposity here. The songs open with much fanfare, instruments introduce each other and build into a piano-led mid tempo. Instead of having a female vocalist Sons of Seasons are led by a dude named Henning Base, who I must admit, can sing a vocal line without sounding like he wants to move to Italy and start singing opera. I think he’d do pretty well singing in a middle of the road progressive rock band. He has the range and the power, that’s true, but that doesn’t detract his cohorts from over writing some fragmented tunes. In other words, the mood is broken time and time again. The man who handles the keyboards is the hero here. Overblown and hard to stand. Really.  

Not to brag about Deaf Sparrow. In fact, I think the look of this zine is a bit dated but if you skip over to Fejd’s website you’ll notice that it makes DS look like it's from the future. Maybe that’s because Fejd plays Nordic medieval folk music, and you know, thought-wise medieval dudes are stuck in the past. About 1997 or something like that. Also, the only metal thing about Fejd is their long hair, which is incredible. These guys should be doing shampoo commercials. They have perfect blonde hair. Beautiful manes. Also, there isn’t much heaviness here, just a lot of foot stomping dance around the fire, drink from goblets type o’ shit. Lots of instruments I did not know existed, like bouzouki, jew’s harp, moraharpa and willow-pipe. Yet, it all sounds like mandolins and violins. The songs are sung in Swedish for a more authentic feel.  Listen, I don’t doubt this is good music, I just can’t stand this medieval folk. These guys get two sparrows because the vocalist doesn’t sound like a goth chick. 

Napalm Records has quite the varied roster. On one hand they release really melodic and cheesy stuff and on the other, they are also willing to take the plunge to the avernum to sign a band like Austria’s Hellsaw.  Cold is the band’s third album and it display’s a natural fascination for mediocre black metal. There is nothing particularly wrong with Hellsaw, but there isn’t anything particularly outstanding either. On the first tune “A Suicide Journey” the band takes more than a while to get off the acoustic intro, only to serve buzzsaw guitars and alternate that with clear electric strings. By the time the blast beat comes in you’ll be checking your watch wondering why is it that some black metal bands think that if you make long songs you make good songs. The first tune clocks at over eight minutes. That’s an exaggeration by any standards. I tell you what I like the most about Hellsaw, I like the drummer, ‘cause he’s got the touch with his salacious cymbal work. Dude’s been blessed.

Alestorm's music is best described by the band themselves and the label as Scottish Pirate Metal. One thing I can tell you is that such tag is very descriptive as vocalist Christopher Bowes actually sings with that 'aaarrggghh aye' bite that is so pirate-like. I could definitely picture the dude with a wooden leg, an eye patch, a parrot on the shoulder, a few missing teeth, some venereal diseases and an unbuttoned shirt that is tied at the bottom. I tell you what annoys me about Alestorm’s sound, it’s inherently metal. The double bass drum is relentless and the riffage itself is pretty trashy but the keyboards are so fucking high in the mix I was just expecting a troupe of Riverdancers to come out tapping. I know that shit is Irish and that I am being ignorant and all, but the sheer chantiness of it all just got me thinking that I better go look for my goblet.

Bullet Monks is quite the departure for Napalm Records. This German quartet plays straight up rock and roll with a touch of blues and less swagger than they think. Their tunes are very fueled-up and energetic but not very inspired. This is some upbeat shit with plenty of potential to crossover into a market as of yesterday still uncharted by this label. There is a chunky sound here; think of a sped up AC DC then turn down the quality a little bit and we are getting closer. Or take up the Hellacopters, shave off the grit, forget the relentless guitar solos and tame the bitch down and there you have the Bullet Monks. One thing with charged rock and roll is that in my humble, and perhaps stupid opinion, should sound a lot rawer than Weapons of Mass Destruction. The sound is beefy, and clean. Radio-friendly and despite all that, quite promising.

I know metal bands and its fans have since forever been fascinated by mythic lands, figures and tales, but naming your band Fairyland is beyond ridiculous. Really, all these guys need to do is come out wearing tutus, start ballet dancing and start sucking off the audience in order to do justice to their moniker. I am not surprised this French Symphonic power metal band is signed to Napalm. In fact, their sound has Napalm Records written all over it. Their melodic lines are stickier than cholera, their choruses are so grand they approach Abba-like proportions. It’s all impeccably played and every riff is softened by the majestic keyboard work of Phillipe Giordana, who by the way also plays in a band called Magic Kingdom, so I assume this guy is obsessed with Disney. Triumphant and melodramatic as hell, and yet, I feel like a goddamn delusional loser just listening to this.

I believe there should be more of a balance to Napalm’s roster. For every symphonic band they should have one metal band, for every gothic metal band, they should sign three black metal bands, and for every power metal band they should release a deleted grindcore classic. Wisconsin’s Jungle Rot has been together since 1994 and have five prior full-lengths before What Horror Await.  Their music grooves, if only a little too much. This band tries to balance the double bass pounding and chugga-obsessed guitar playing of Pantera with cookie monster vocals. So on one hand you don’t get the memorability nor the range of a dude that can sing, like say Phil Anselmo, nor you get the obliterating power of say Cannibal Corpse. Pretty sophomoric stuff, but if you are of those that dig Six Feet Under, you may think Jungle Rot are fucking awesome. I like the cover artwork though.