Creeper (Quasi-Retro Social Media Slasher)

 

Oh, look! Another Unearthed Films release has darkened my doorstep! And what has my absolute favorite pig trough of cinematic splatter swill got running for all us little gore piggies today? Looks like it’s a dire little opus called Creeper. What could this be? Let’s check it out. Cally and Erica are two socialites eerily modeled after Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. One day while relaxing in the hot tub bitching about creepy dudes on the Internet, the pair hatch up a scheme to humiliate some poor dweeb online. At that moment, we meet our title anti-hero. Jerry Tobin is mute and loves to entertain his new friends with his propensity for affection and his willingness to torture himself. As the joke goes absolutely too far, the girls find themselves being rounded up one by one for a game of cat and mouse in the woods.

   

Honestly, before this movie turns into an attempt to build another slasher franchise (Terrifier 2 being proof that there’s always room for another horror hero,) it has a lot to offer. The girls he stalks deserve absolutely no sympathy given the fact that they broke a mentally ill person. The first thirty minutes are almost unwatchable in spots as they torment and emotionally/psychologically destroy this poor schlub. Interesting points are made about mental illness, class warfare and the leering male gaze, but to what end? Stylistically, Creeper makes the same mistakes that a lot of current-day “Grindhouse” movies do, namely the overused “Old Film” setting on Final Cut Pro. Sorry, but when you’re using CGI for all your special FX nobody’s buying your film as a retro throwback to the days of olde. Then again, I’d bet my shirt that hardly anybody bought this movie. Sorry, but it’s films like Creeper that make this job tough. There’s a lot to recommend about it until the pseudo-slashing begins, but the “revenge” is the crux of the movie and sinks this one like an ass pocket of Bacardi Light. Is there any way I can book an interview with Biro’s accountant?

 

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Written by David, Comptroller of Your Last Scrap of Existence

Creeper (2022)
Matthew Gunnoe
3 / 5